i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
