If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
