i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
