please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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