You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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