can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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