Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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