Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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