I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
