i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
