Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
