When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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