That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
