i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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