11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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