I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He told me they were just razor bumps!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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