She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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