saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I did not marry a roomba.
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