What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
