just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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