didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
