Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
