Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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