Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
