In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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