i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
