omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
