I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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