I'm so fucking centered right now
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
