im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
that is very illegal...i love you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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