A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
