Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
