your thong is hanging out like whoa
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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