the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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