thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
