is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
