Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
