if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
