Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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