uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
