and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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