I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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