i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
