my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
