Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
