Whod you bang
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
