Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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