dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
