I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
