omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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