I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
