Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
