i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
