I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will pee on everything he values.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
