It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
