I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
