Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
