please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
