Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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